What's your aspiration in life? Do you have a goal or objective desired that you would put your all into trying to achieve? Many of us as kids used to most likely think of things such as being a superstar , president , etc. . Although as we age reality seems to catch up to each one of us showing that our past aspirations may not be reachable . If asked now many would possibly give answers such as being a manager , becoming a doctor , owning their own business etc. The main question is how do you keep remembrance of your goal in your daily lifestyle ?
When one asks me , my aspiration is to be happy ; to be happy consists of having a successful future . I would give my all to pursuing my want to become a very successful homicide investigator.
1. Never use "etc." or other short hand in actually essays--even in drafts! I use them in lecture notes, but that is a whole other animal!
ReplyDelete2. Your new sentence starting with "Many of us kids..." needs to have agreement with all nouns and pronouns. Why are superstar and president not pluralized? Also in that sentence, the verb choice is weak: "think of things" is an understatement. Do you mean "dreamed of becoming"? Your phrase is passive and doesn't clarify what the "kids" were planning to do with those thoughts! Do you know what I mean? It's clearer to state "I am going to drink tea" than to state "I am thinking of tea." What am I thinking about in regards to tea--the Boston Tea Party?!?!
Again, avoid shifting to "you" in that last sentence. You write about "many"--which is third person point of view. So that last question in the intro needs to be in the third person, too.
Especially since you do shift from third to second to first in that assumed thesis. Also, why is the thesis not up in the same paragraph, after the question?
The transition to the device isn't there, nor is the device, yet.
That all written, you do have a nice start to the introduction. There is always some aspect of writing that needs work, but at least you have a good direction as to where you are going with the device and your essay.